So. I have "failed" yet another time. But damn it I'm not giving up! The stupid bartender thought I was a drink guru or something even though I told him over and over that I couldn't make drinks but I learn really really fast when I am interested to learn. And I am.. I am starting to feel intellectually drained... Haven't learned much lately and that one night I worked in the bare gave me so much! I learned loads of stuff. Quite useless now it may seem but I think it might come in handy since I like working late nights. Another bar job might be an option to get the money I need to leave and start my life ;)
Ha ha, I'm not giving up my dream of getting back home. For all of you who don't know, Sydney is my home in my heart right now. That is how I feel and I just can't ignore that feeling and be satisfied with what I am given. I am taking what I want and I am never going to be satisfied with the normal living in the freaking hamster wheel!
I must sound a bit pissed of. Well I am... And I think that is exactly what I needed...
Screw you boring "ignorance is bless", screw you to "stick to what you know", And SCREW YOU stupid ass normal life!
No one and nothing takes a dump at me any more....
over and out...
Well i haven't been writing for a loooong time now, guess it isn't as fun when I'm not in Sydney reporting back to the family. Still feel like I have to update this site even though I am here in the cold northern country.
I am still looking for a job like a little freak! Went to test work at a bar but it seems like they weren't serious at all. Just short on staff or something like that during that specific night.. Grrrrrrrrrrr...
I am even looking for jobs in Australia. Guess I have to sort the ticket somehow if I land a job over there before I land a job over here. Time is just passing by soooo quickly, and all of a sudden the summer will be over and I will be a bit angry if I'm not on my way back.
Some people know the bad thing happening to me since my last report here, but it is not something I want to talk about just yet.
Been out meeting many new people which is great fun! I love socialising and getting to know new and fun personalities.
Feeling a bit tired and drained out today, but it will surely pass.
Off to have dinner with my X and his "fake" dad tonight. Will be nice. Chatting and having a nice glass of whine.
Take care people and remember that everything will be fine. It just takes different amount of time from person to person to heal the same damage..
I just had a conversation that made me cry.. Once again.. Why can´t the people you really like a lot be happy? Guess there are some people that have been asking themselves the exact same question when I have been wanting to give up and just lay on the floor staring in to a wall or a ceiling..
So... Why do we keep doing the things we actually feel bad about doing? Especially if we know what we want? Are we just lazy, narcissistic, afraid? Especially when it comes to love. What the hell do you do when you finally dare to tell someone how you feel and that person doesn't feel the same thing?
I've started to doubt myself, which is one of the most stupid things to do ever. Why do I really want to go back to Sydney, is it because I WAS happier there or is it because I THOUGHT that I was happier? Did I want to believe it so much so that it actually became true?
Can you actually trust someone completely, ever? Think about it, someone helped you when everything was falling to pieces. Someone was thinking about you before they thought of themselves. Someone made you feel good about yourself even though you felt like shit. Someone made you happy and made you forget about your problems, if only for a while. Someone made you feel butterflies in your stomace...Can you believe that person then, that their intentions are true? If that person explains things with the same words as you do, then yeah, I think so. God I'm not making any sense am I??? Guess that's because I just now found out something that I really didn't think that I actually did feel.. I shouldn't doubt my feelings and intentions... I should go for it and try... Even if I get rejected and meet loads of problems. At least then I don´t have to wonder what would have happened if I had the guts to do it....
I'm going back to Sydney, even if I have to sell one of my kidneys.. Cause even if I really just believe that I am happy over there, I'm happy. I will never be alone like many can think, cause there are a bunch of wonderful people over there that actually cares about me, show up when they say they will, pick me up when I am down, tell me the truth without sugar coating it, help me with meaningless problems, listen to my meaningless thoughts, laugh with me and cry with me... Hope you know whom you are, otherwise I have to tell you more often how happy I am that I met you guys :) The truth is a powerful thing and lying never works in the long run..
I have to believe my dead grandmother.. Everything will be all right...
